just opening this blog was a herculean feat... i dont care about anything right now. i dont know when ill care again. i dont understand how my better half is dealing with me. always loving always positive... i dont get it. i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep. i dont want to see family, yet i want to be around family. and since i dont give a shit, i dont make the effort. my steady diet of cold medicine and soda is doing something awful to my stomach...and i dont care. my cousins lost their mom. my mom lost her sister. my grandma lost her daughter. they all seem to be coping. i lost my aunt and the world has lost all meaning. why? WHY THE FUCK? and why did she have to die before we could have just one more of those awesome talks. why did it have to be after she pissed me off and i made sure she knew it? all the women in the family will tell me, don't worry, she knows... NO SHE DOESN'T! SHES GONE AND THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS GHOSTS OR SPIRITS OR ANYTHING! there is only death. and apparently a family history of insanity. we all talk to OURSELVES. my mom went on yesterday about seeing Mary at the foot of the bed when she was cleaning. bullshit. shes nuts. my dogs hate me.. they are little troopers.. sleeping with me all the time, but i know they feel my crushing depression and anger, and it cant be comfortable for them. fuck this, i thought it would help.. but its not... fuck it