this is unclear to me....

yours and mine

yours... green, outlined in orange....
mine.... orange, outlined in green....

???

Tuesday evening blues....

 its cold in here... an endless night of alone-ness stretches out before me and the dog is whining at me for some unholy reason.  I know i forgot to take my meds today. i can feel it.  i can feel worry and panic trying to sneak in.  i hate being by myself on nights like this. at least now i know the morning will be bright and full of love. its just these elastic hours that will stretch on until 8am that kill me.  that leaves a little under 12 hours now... ouch..  but i am doing laundry so for blocks of about 15 minutes every few hours at least I'll be busy.  tomorrow is a parent teacher conference... but i dont remember for who... I'll just have to check my handy dandy Google calender.. and i will as soon as im done here.  tomorrow is also therapy. i hate therapy. there is nothing good about that shit. i always leave feeling tired and worse than when i went in. i know it will get better and i know its good for me, but so is apples and i dont much like them either. tomorrow is also a night that i will not be spending alone... and that makes everything better.

really... words have failed me...

that is all....

oh blog... you are the one who listens!!!

i have been going since 630 this morning... i have about 10 minutes b4 i have to leave to wait for the boy who may, or may not b on the bus... i have changed the sheets and washed the down comforter... cleaned and vacuumed the room, upstairs hall, stairs, hall and living room... i cleaned the fuck out of the kitchen... i started dinner sort of... it just has to be cooked..  some more laundry is going.. i moved all the books for the big project into the garage... dusted... de-cluttered...and generally made the living room presentable...  cleaned the bathroom, and Ive done dishes twice...i took a shower...  there is still lots to do with dinner and cleanup... and another concert to go to... I'm tired... bitch bitch bitch.... whine whine whine...  yup... that's what blogs are for....  oh, i almost forgot... i also cleaned the courtyard.. and there was an incident with the dryer and a pink felt pen... hopefully the marks will come out of the clothes eventually... as for the dryer... i went after it with some bleach and a sponge... i checked pockets but i guess this one got passed me... DAMN!!!

Awesomest Woman I Know...

She loves me for who i am, and lets me love her for who she is, was and is trying to become... she gives me the honor of accompanying her on her journey... she is all that is amazing in a human... and she is all that is worth fighting for...  she makes the sun shine brighter and the moon more mysterious... all the stars wink just to see her smile... she made the most amazing kids and she lets me love them too... they are forever in my heart... as she is...  she is my wife and i will never lose her again....


now do you really think I'm gonna ruin this one with a bunch of movie speak???

reach out and touch faith..

if you cant think of a title, just write what you hear... and if you don't have anything to "blog" about ...fucking fake it!!  so that's what I'm doing... I'm in the middle of my chores for the day but i sat down to plug in my ipod and i sat here... in front of the computer... where my blog is... and now I'm writing...or typing if you prefer... nothing is on my mind... and nothing needs bitching about...




i used to not censor myself or my thoughts... it didn't matter how obscene or just plain wrong it was... if i thought it i thought it... and if i talked about it ...well i talked about it... i would like to be that person again... i want to be me all the way... well, with certain limits on vocabulary around the kids...heh heh.. not unlike a certain someone, i feel i have lost pieces of me along the road... however, it was me who lost them.. not anyone else... like maybe i would be happier if i were more chipper.. or maybe people would like me more if i acted more "blond" well i don't feel that way anymore.. people (the ones that count) like me for who and what i am... sick bastard or no.. I'll get there again.. it'll be simple to let my sense of humor wander back over to the dark side where it belongs... it never really left.. i just put a muzzle on it i think.. i like laughing at robot chicken and not just looking at it in disgust.. i like metelocalypse with all the blood and guts... and i love horror movies, books, whatever.. i love gore.. i love the escape.. and its ok that not everyone prefers it.. i may be weird but I'm super smart and people like me anyway... some even dare to love me... short one today...

Who woulda thunk...

Ok, so there was an issue tonight with a certain asshole texting a certain MY GRRRL... And whatever.. This douche is well known for drunk dialing and texting.. But she thought it best to lie about it.. And that brought up the fact that she still doesn't think she can talk to me about anything.. Mostly because of how I might "handle" whatever it may be... That got me thinking.... I guess it's not just me who has to learn to trust again.. I do trust her... But now she has to trust in that.. And she'll have to trust that she CAN tell me anything and she CAN talk to me about anything anytime.. That's what this "us" work is all about.. I know I can talk to her about everything.. Even the shit she doesn't want to discuss. And she knows she can just say she doesn't want to talk about it... And ohh has she... But the point of this is simply that here I am thinking I was the only one that was going to need to learn to trust again.. The truth is she has spent mos of the relationship afraid to talk to me about most things and now she must learn to trust as well. Geeze I'm a dumbass sometimes... I thought this part of the journey was going to be the lonely part.. But she's right there with me... And I will do whatever I have to do for her to trust that she can talk to me again! She is my best friend and my heart and my lover and the one person I want to spend all of my days with.. It's only fair she be able to talk to me about whatever and not fear my reaction or judgement.

Right now I am watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.. Everyone is so young in this one.. And this movie is the one that is closest to the book... I'm sure it has something to do with how the book is pretty short compared to the others.. I love all the movies just for he sake of loving movies... Who cares that they don't follow the books verbatim...

stoopid brain...

i know now why people drink... that path is looking better everyday.  if i could just figure out how to avoid all the peeing and the hangovers i could TOTALLY drink my cares away... i can's seem to let go of a few things and they are taking over more and more of my thoughts.. i haven't hated anyone in ages.. i don't like to hate... but i do... i hate..  i don't even 'hate' my grrrls mother... that's more of a strong dislike and pity... i feel myself wanting to shut down and hide in my head like i do... but i cant do that anymore.. it wold not be conducive to what i want with my family and my baby... but this is getting ridiculous.. and obsessive..  how could the hated person do this to me... i was never anything but there for them.. when there was whining about the bromance that fell apart...i was there..  when there was whining about the couple he was having a threesome with who wanted him to move to Vegas with them...{however that may have been one of his many LIES... he is a fabulous LIAR} who did he cry to and who listened to every sordid detail... I listened to this asshole bitch and moan about how his "dad" has this hold over him but yet he never did a thing to change it.. i risked my own relationship trying to be there for him and that doesn't even include the mistake[s] i eventually made... and all the while, if i needed him to be there for me it never happened.. all he wanted to talk about was my wife.. or more of his issues... or how it was an issue that my wife was out of bounds... 20 fucking years... and then boom... he got EXACTLY what he wanted.  and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my relationship and try to get over the loss of a 'friend'... but how much of a friend was he... i don't know anymore... all i know is the pain runs deeper than i thought pain could go... the two people i thought i could trust.... not so much..
   Things are getting back to good with my grrrl in leaps and bounds.. lets not leave that out.. and she is being patient with my issues.. well, she better be as i have been privy to some stellar breakdowns recently...lol  things with her are on the mend or already mended... and i love her and trust her more than she thinks.. and we are in a bubble unlike any bubble that has been... this shit is made of Kevlar, yo! if i could just let go... let go of all the hurt and questions and doubts and just...let...go...  that is my new goal...


So... In "Gremlins".... you can't feed them after midnight... well, its always midnight somewhere... and every minute of the day after 12:00am is "after midnight" so when the hell are you allowed to feed them again? WTF...

In "Avatar"..... Michelle Rodriguez's character refuses to attack that time... but then she doesn't get in trouble later.. she is able to go around the base and rescue Sully and apparently has time to paint up her chopper and junk for the big fight later... i don't know much about the military but i would assume she would be in big trouble....?

How did Andy Dufresne re-stick the poster back to his wall from inside the hole???


that's enough for today... the neighbors are driving me fucking crazy with their la cucaracha music blaring...

psst.... i love you

Monday Morning

its 7am on Monday October 4th... i have slept a grand total of 45 minutes... i woke up to a text that scared the shit out of me bcz i was sure it meant i slept in and failed to pick up and drop off all the people I'm supposed to... but, thankfully my alarm hadn't even gone off yet... i wish i knew what was wrong with me... every muscle in my body hurts all the damn time... but no one wants to hear about that shit.. there are too many things to get done and to many things to get clean... Projects and plans and rearrangements.. the fact that it feels like there is a knife jammed in my right shoulder where it meets my neck is just in the damn way... it'll get better, or I'll learn to ignore it.  "You" did have a meltdown this weekend.. and I'm glad you recognize it. Although i think it has more to do with your mother than you do... looking back, this always happens when she throws a fit... However that does not make your issues any less valid. Add on the admission that this new job is making you nervous and 'viola we have an answer... this is your normal M.O... and i am ok with it.. except when i try to explain this to you and i get shot down and you feel like i am making excuses and insulting you.  its all part of this work we both signed on to do for this whole "us" thing..and i am happy to do it.. i'll do my best with the schedule thing... but you are right when you say we have different styles and standards... and its true that you are MUCH better at spotting minutiae on the carpet than i... or empty pie plates that are clear and damn near invisible to one who just isn't paying attention.  so tell a grrrl won't ya? And by the way... its gonna take you two whole nano-seconds to become the shining star at the Bradbury... i love you...

movie...movie...movie.....
oh, so i started to watch "it might get loud" this morning and just when i was really getting into it the stupid preview for the channels ended... poo!  we watched Iron Man 2 this weekend, and i gotta say... not my favorite movie... i didn't even really like it when we saw it in the theater... But my baby loves it and that is enough for it to be enjoyable to me.. plus Robert Downey Jr., well i could watch him fold socks and be entertained... yummiest ex-junkie ever....LOL time to take the boy to the bus stop...

i'm tired..

its 2:12am.. im tired, and i don't want to write anything... yet here i am...writing shit.. really, what is the point of a blog... or twitter... or facebook for that matter... what happened to people talking to each other face to face? or at least on the phone...without texting... i write shit on here and anybody who wants to can read it and then comment about how it is or isn't great...   its like a diary for the masses... whatever...

something just broke outside because of the wind... i must investigate...   shit... it was a lantern that Misty made...  the whole planter it was on just fell over.. and i dont want to clean it up in the dark... knowing me i'll cut an artery...

i dont even want to talk about a movie... i watched Blood into Wine the other day... it was good... but i probably wouldn't have enjoyed it if Maynard wasn't part of it...  stupid Tim and Eric pretty much ruined the whole thing...

Just Friends was on TV earlier tonight... I love that movie.. i dont know why.. its kind of dumb.. but is cute and funny too.  it makes me smile.


im done

Monday, Monday...

I hate Mondays... When one is used to a four day weekend, Monday sucks... Its laundry day, and clean the hell out of the kitchen day.. and day one of the three days I'm alone for the night.  Again i say, i hate Mondays.  This weekend was good though... a lot more talking and a lot more revelations... My security in this relationship isn't 100% but its closer now.. I still feel a bit like im in limbo... but that too, is going away... it'll be better once i get my clothes back in the room and stop living out of plastic tubs in the garage...  I've got to start getting ready to go to Denver, but i dont really want to go anymore, and i dont think the car will make it... but i said id go and dad, i think, needs a distraction.. i just cant shake the feeling that i won't come home to the same awesomeness i left.. So much can happen.. so many outside influences can fuck everything up.. I just need to believe in Misty.. and i do. 

Nothing to say about movies today... maybe later..

Something, Something, Something, Dark Side.....

 Well...  the duration of the exile has been shortened to the voluntary trip to Denver... and even that has been cut short due to the need to be here to help the kiddos with their Halloween costumes... I am NOT complaining! I think Misty truly means what she tells me... She is doing so well with speaking her mind no matter what... Last night she decided she doesnt even want to move downstairs... I am 93.7% sure she is sure... and if she changes her mind...WHO CARES!! a room is a room is a room.. as long as we're together.. She also mentioned getting different furnature for the living room... and i think thats an awesome idea... My grandmas things are nice....for my grammas formal living room... but they dont really belong in here... i think it'll be a blast to find some rustic ol' p.o.s. coffee table at a yard sale or something and fix it up... end tables too... then we just need to do something about this fancy schmancy computer desk... but all that is small shit.. I think... no, i believe that we are gonna be great.. as long as we can keep talking and keep heading for the same goal...

Last night I watched Contact... the movie is slow. Im not saying its bad... but its so slow..  and the ending is somewhat disappointing...  oooh we get to see Vegans....ohhhh its just her stupid dad... LAME.. i know its metaphorical, and basically it was an hallucination fitted to her human mind... but i guess i just prefer movies from the school of rubber suits... and then there was the religious argument running through the whole movie... having the beliefs i have, i tend to agree with the notion that science has shown us that there is no god... but it may be that I've just been put off of the god thing by all the evangelical right wing nut jobs who take the bible as literal truth and "know" i will burn in hell for whom i choose to love... and how i choose to live my life... hmmmm i know of a few evangelicals (Haggard) who will be joining me in the pits of homo hell.... plus, when i was 5, I went to Calvary Chapel with my cousin and the lady in the nursery told us that there was no Santa Clause and that the only reason any kid got presents on Christmas was because 'Jesus' gave our parents money to do it... if our parents didn't have faith in Jeeeeeeaaazzzuusssss, they were poor bums.... yep... Paganism looks better and better every day! 

Mabon

lets see... its gorgeous outside, the patio and grill are clean, and i am loved... i cant think of a better way for a holiday to be...  Misty's mom is here... sulking in the kitchen... there isn't really a better word for it.  i haven't the slightest clue what she wants or why shes still here... and i know she wouldn't tell me so... whatever... that woman cant get me down anymore... i know all the bad things she says about me but i also know Misty is thru taking her at her word... i know Misty is able to form her own opinion... and right now its that she loves me!!!  That woman (her mother) is just incapable of keeping her nose out of anything... and incapable of of making HERSELF happy... Jesus!!! stay out of it lady!!! but again... not gonna get to me...EVER AGAIN!

what movie to talk about today? ummmmmm...   I watched Braveheart this morning.. I love that movie... it helps to pretend the guy who plays William Wallace isn't the misogynistic Jew hating bastard he is... the movie, itself makes me happy... its long and the music is wonderful, and the ending isn't candy coated... but even though William Wallace got stretched and disemboweled in epic fashion, the king got what he deserved too... his daughter in law was knocked up by Wallace so the air to the throne is actually a Scott!  plus it couldn't have been easy for long-shanks to have a son who was light in his loafers... ahhhh good times..

I wonder....

I wonder why the commercial about the automatic soap pump bothers me so much... it goes on about how its so awful to have a dirty soap pump... but why... even if the pump is disgusting why does it matter... you only touch it before you wash your hands.. and then you are washing off the grossness that was the reason for the hand-washing PLUS the grossness from the pump... and then you dont touch it  until its time to wash again... its kind of insulting...

i wonder why in 'Avatar' they called the mineral shit they are mining on Pandora "unobtainium" its the dumbest name ever..  they seem to be 'obtaining' it just fine... was there a lack of imagination the day they got to that part of the script

i wonder why the Decepticons didn't just buy Sam Witwickys glasses off of ebay... they had to have known they were there... they could hack into any computer...  but then the movie wouldn't have been as long or as super cool....

i wonder why i enjoy 'The Squidbillies' so much...

i just wonder....

Wednesday...

its been raining off and on today... that's something good... things seem to be good all around.  its nice to feel a little more worthwhile and appreciated.  and loved back. 

The other night we watched "The Mist"  of course I've seen it many times but the ending still bothers me.. the poor guy shoots everyone in the damn car including his little son, and then doesn't have a bullet left for himself... on top of that, a few seconds after this mass mercy killing, the mist starts to clear and here come the army people to the rescue.. . how is this guy supposed to live with himself.. i wouldn't be able to.  yeah, its Stephen King... but that ending sticks... sometimes when i watch that movie i just turn it off before it ends...  It makes you ponder things best left un-pondered... could you do what that guy did? could you live with the guilt afterward or would it drive you mad..? The Mist has a Lovecraftian feel to it.. with the dementional rifts and whatnot, but really the creatures in the mist aren't murderous... they are just doing what they do... what they do, however isn't really compatible with the life on our plane of existence.. and really, that's the scary part. 

Number one... lets see what happens

just a test really... to see if i've done everything right..