at least with the blogs i can gain some insight to what the hell im doing wrong, even if i dont know how to fix any of it.  i was told "leave me alone" today... and i have said the same thing in the past, but i never thought it hurt so much... i wont be saying that anymore...  i dont know how to convince the most important person in my life that they are, in fact, the most important person in my life.  there are no feelings that i have not admitted to.. there is no vast quantity of caring for the other one that needs to be worried about... but no matter how i put it or how many times i say it, i am not listened to and/or believed.  there is something wrong with my head today and yes i have all the support i need. i couldn't ask for better. but there is something in the way i am that just doesn't allow for the expression of anything but happiness without it being taken personally... something ill have to work on because just saying "its not directed at you" doesn't work. i guess taking someone at their word is just not possible for some.  ill have to learn to swallow the "bile" and "venom" and just get my thoughts out some other way.  didn't mean to infer that fire time can only happen with the other one present.  but that one was on me... bad timing and loss of words.  not an excuse.   so really, maybe it should be fMl... cuz i just cant seem to get it right

this is unclear to me....

yours and mine

yours... green, outlined in orange....
mine.... orange, outlined in green....

???

Tuesday evening blues....

 its cold in here... an endless night of alone-ness stretches out before me and the dog is whining at me for some unholy reason.  I know i forgot to take my meds today. i can feel it.  i can feel worry and panic trying to sneak in.  i hate being by myself on nights like this. at least now i know the morning will be bright and full of love. its just these elastic hours that will stretch on until 8am that kill me.  that leaves a little under 12 hours now... ouch..  but i am doing laundry so for blocks of about 15 minutes every few hours at least I'll be busy.  tomorrow is a parent teacher conference... but i dont remember for who... I'll just have to check my handy dandy Google calender.. and i will as soon as im done here.  tomorrow is also therapy. i hate therapy. there is nothing good about that shit. i always leave feeling tired and worse than when i went in. i know it will get better and i know its good for me, but so is apples and i dont much like them either. tomorrow is also a night that i will not be spending alone... and that makes everything better.

really... words have failed me...

that is all....

oh blog... you are the one who listens!!!

i have been going since 630 this morning... i have about 10 minutes b4 i have to leave to wait for the boy who may, or may not b on the bus... i have changed the sheets and washed the down comforter... cleaned and vacuumed the room, upstairs hall, stairs, hall and living room... i cleaned the fuck out of the kitchen... i started dinner sort of... it just has to be cooked..  some more laundry is going.. i moved all the books for the big project into the garage... dusted... de-cluttered...and generally made the living room presentable...  cleaned the bathroom, and Ive done dishes twice...i took a shower...  there is still lots to do with dinner and cleanup... and another concert to go to... I'm tired... bitch bitch bitch.... whine whine whine...  yup... that's what blogs are for....  oh, i almost forgot... i also cleaned the courtyard.. and there was an incident with the dryer and a pink felt pen... hopefully the marks will come out of the clothes eventually... as for the dryer... i went after it with some bleach and a sponge... i checked pockets but i guess this one got passed me... DAMN!!!

Awesomest Woman I Know...

She loves me for who i am, and lets me love her for who she is, was and is trying to become... she gives me the honor of accompanying her on her journey... she is all that is amazing in a human... and she is all that is worth fighting for...  she makes the sun shine brighter and the moon more mysterious... all the stars wink just to see her smile... she made the most amazing kids and she lets me love them too... they are forever in my heart... as she is...  she is my wife and i will never lose her again....


now do you really think I'm gonna ruin this one with a bunch of movie speak???