just opening this blog was a herculean feat... i dont care about anything right now. i dont know when ill care again. i dont understand how my better half is dealing with me. always loving always positive... i dont get it. i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep. i dont want to see family, yet i want to be around family. and since i dont give a shit, i dont make the effort. my steady diet of cold medicine and soda is doing something awful to my stomach...and i dont care. my cousins lost their mom. my mom lost her sister. my grandma lost her daughter. they all seem to be coping. i lost my aunt and the world has lost all meaning. why? WHY THE FUCK? and why did she have to die before we could have just one more of those awesome talks. why did it have to be after she pissed me off and i made sure she knew it? all the women in the family will tell me, don't worry, she knows... NO SHE DOESN'T! SHES GONE AND THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS GHOSTS OR SPIRITS OR ANYTHING! there is only death. and apparently a family history of insanity. we all talk to OURSELVES. my mom went on yesterday about seeing Mary at the foot of the bed when she was cleaning. bullshit. shes nuts. my dogs hate me.. they are little troopers.. sleeping with me all the time, but i know they feel my crushing depression and anger, and it cant be comfortable for them. fuck this, i thought it would help.. but its not... fuck it

does school start soon?? Goddess save us all, if these kids don't get a life soon, i may have to run away... with a stick and bandanna bundle and everything... the oldest one has no concept of hygiene or consideration for anyone but herself. the middle one... well, shes actually pretty self sufficient.. and then the youngest is trying for a record in non-movement.. middle kid excluded, none of them do a god damn thing to make living in a family unit easier.. the oldest sleeps all day, stinks up the house and eats... Just five minutes ago, i went into the kitchen to start dinner and she was there eating.. so i said, "i guess you won't be eating dinner..." she told me what she was eating was lunch... AT 415!!! i have no doubt that her dishes will be waiting for me when its time to start cooking... not to mention her attitude.. Man i wish she would have moved out two weeks ago when she was supposed to.. i hate being right.. maybe i jinxed it.. that's it, it was my fault.. ill keep my mouth shut from now on!! And the boy.. holy shit... i think hes allergic to outside.. on top of that, the oldest had adopted him lie some sort of mascot/slave.. and he is picking up her shitty attitude.. so, again i ask...WHEN DOES SCHOOL START??? yup... this was  ALL THE VENTING!!! and that is what blogs are for..

i had some thoughts last Thursday while cleaning house for my aunt.. It has been brought to my attention by more than one family member, that i am seen as dumb... not smart... stupid... an idiot....etc. i'm not sure why i am viewed this way by a bunch of right wing hicks. i love my family, but my brains came from dads side, no question. i can only assume that because i prefer not to join in the inane chatter that goes on at gatherings, i am thought of as somehow mentally inferior. i don't talk to these people because their opinions are WRONG and ignorant. i would rather not argue with them because honestly, its like talking to a wall. My lifestyle is incompatible with the family. i am tolerated. but i don't wish to try any kind of intellectual discussion with any of them.  i'm pretty sure most of them are of the school of "the earth is 5000 years old and some old white guy who is also his son made the world in six days..  The point is, I'm not stupid. My IQ is way above average. but i guess since i don't walk around bragging about it, assumptions are made. "oh heather, shes just a big dumb blonde." no, i'm not.


the other thought that crossed my mind was actually really heartbreaking.. i am called 'Aunt Heather' by about 10 different kids. only one of those kids is my niece. the other ones are either second cousins or step family.. but i am happy to be aunt to all of them.  who is aunt and uncle to my kids? not my brother, not my cousins, not my step siblings... only my wife's sister... why? why doesn't it work both ways. these kids are MY kids as much as they would be if i gave birth to them. so why?

It's so damn hot... it needs to rain. I still think blogs are stupid, but here I am, blogging anyway. At this point, I don't even care who does or doesn't read this shit. I remember the reason I started this blog. I was moving out for a bit, and I figured I'd be watching a lot of movies.. I never moved out. We never exactly broke up...well maybe for like half a week. And all was well.  I didn't watch movies and then write about them like I planned. I suppose I should. It's kinda fun to pick apart someone elses hard work. Although, there are very few movies I dislike. I have this strange habit of only watching stuff that seems interesting. I'm not a critic so there is no real need to watch ALL THE THINGS. The Lady hurt her neck a few weeks ago, so there was reason for her early bedtimes.. I watched movies on the laptop with headphones so as not to disturb my Lady."Mama" was great. But really, I think Del Toro can do no wrong. that movie scared the hell outta me. "Sinister" and "The Last Exorcism II" not so much.. But they were still fun to watch.

What isn't fun is watching my mother give all her attention and resources to her step family. Oh how she loves to brag and brag about having 10 grandchildren.  She has one by blood. three by me, and six by her husbands kids. now, it is true that she should treat them all the same, and it would be slightly understandable if she favored my brothers kid.. however... her stepsons oldest daughter is a sociopath rape victim in an institution. and she accuses everyone of molesting her. including her father. well everyone except the man who actually raped her.. He's still living it up as the boyfriend of her mother. probably waiting for the other three to age up a little.. and what is the mom doing? letting it all happen, of course... leaving him would seriously affect the flow of her drugs and boning.. My mother has decided this is the kid that gets all the attention.. not that that changes things for my kids.. before it was...lets call her G3... it was G9andG10.. my kids have never been a priority. i suspect moms husband has some sort of problem with me, or my wife, or the fact that i have a wife rather than a husband... maybe its because my kids aren't his blood, maybe its because they're white. maybe its because the grass is green and the sky is blue. who the fuck knows. if it was just M. that had a problem, i could deal with that.. who the fuck cares what that mooching bastard thinks. his money is his money, and my mothers money is his money and that's the way it has always been.. dude hasn't had a job in 10 yrs.. wont put my mothers name on the house they have shared for the last 15 yrs and expects her to pay for ALL THE THINGS. upkeep, remodels, insurance... everything. fine, then he can keep the house clean like a good little housewife... nope my mom works a 50-60 hr week AND takes care of the house and him.. and now there is this fucking knee surgery.. that lazy fuck is milking it for all its worth. if he wold have been moving it and strengthening it, by now he would have been feeling great. My uncle had both his knees replaced (M. just had on knee scoped) and he was up within a week.. same doctor, same pain management, not the same mindset. When i was over at moms to help out a bit, there was a point when mom kicked us out of the living room so M. could piss in a jar... that asshat has crutches. he could have gone to the toilet like a big boy, but since he knows my mother the enabler will bow to his every whim...hes gonna piss in a jar and shes gonna hold his tiny pee pee while he does it.

     Today i was under the impression that my mother and i were going to meet up at my grammas house for a bit.. have some quality time.. but nope, she has my stepsister and her kids with her.. this little thing... this is the proverbial straw.. i think I'm pretty much done. my stepsister has usurped my mother, and that's fine.. i also have a step mother... ad frankly over the last few t=years she has been more of a mother than my mom. so.. that's how that is gonna be.

my kids stopped asking to stay with gramma C. and pops long ago... they got tired of hearing "not this time" only to find out that the "other" grandkids were there all weekend.. i don't blame them at all.  They have my dad and step mom... they are wonderful grandparents... too bad they live 400 fucking miles away...

Really need to watch the rest of that movie!

We keep saying that's what we're going to do.. But Adult Swim is like a magnet, or crack. We have so many movies that we've bought and not watched! I don't know what it is anymore, that I can't just sit and watch a movie. I love movies. I just don't want to watch them lately. The other day my lady was going to send me to see Prometheus ( she doesn't want to see it) but I changed my mind. I really want to see that movie. And so many others! Like all the ones we own but have not watched.
I saw my brother today. Nothing much was said, and that suits me just fine. I don't really care at this point if we get along or not. And frankly, until he gets a divorce, I'm pretty much done. That particular package deal is not something I am going to deal with any longer. When Sammy is eighteen, she can look her aunt Heather up if she wants.
Time to find something constructive to do.

WTF

So now this stupid bullshit with my brother and mom has me in a funk that is completely Unjustified. I know what come next. I won't handle it well and I'll bring everyone down with me.. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk. And that's the problem... If I talk about it I'll feel better, in theory... But in my mind I'll just feel worse. But I have to get things done and I have to pretend to get on with life.. All I want is to sit here on this couch and pretend I'm watching and enjoying the today show.. Wishing I was still asleep

We still haven't watched the rest of Sherlock Holmes..last night I played Dead Space 2 and beat the game. Then I stated over. The third one comes out next winter... Can't wait.

*sigh

I thought things with jimmy we're getting back to good.. Yeah, it was only on Thursdays and never while Kristina was around, but last Wednesday proved to me that I was so fucking wrong. He doesn't give a shit, and that's ok.. But the cruelty that spewed from his face hole was just too much. And that cunt of a wife of his... Fuck her. My kids are not misfits. My kids are not emo. And my kids had as much right to be in that stupid fucking picture as any of the other little shits that were there. And thank you jimmy... Thank you for reminding me that I am such a fool, and so stupid... I so need to be put in my place. Fuck you. I live in a house. My kids do well in school and are not on drugs or are they alcoholics. They don't ditch and it's rare that they open a fresh mouth to us or any other adult. We aren't suffocating under a mountain of debt and we don't spend 80 percent of our pay on fucking weed. I don't hold on to stale stupid grudges and therefore I have a great relationship with our father, while you live under the delusion he will just keep trying and kissing your ass as long as you dangle your daughter in front of him. But by all means...keep assuming dad will keep taking your abuse. Oh and do keep taking advantage of their generosity.. Thats super classy and I'm sure the money train will just keep on...
Thank you mom, for standing up for me while your son told me what a fool I was and and how my kids didn't belong there. It's good to know where I stand. And thank you for proving, once again, that while the other "grand kids" can come and go as their parents please, my kids aren't even welcome when they offer to help with said other kids. I keep hoping it will change, but I think I'm done hoping and frankly my kids are getting too old to care about it anymore.
It's hard to think about the fact that the people who love and accept this family for what and who we are live so far away. But that's the way it is, and now my eyes are fully open to it.

I watched half of the second Sherlock Holmes movie the other night, so I'll withhold my opinions until I watch the whole thing.