just opening this blog was a herculean feat... i dont care about anything right now. i dont know when ill care again. i dont understand how my better half is dealing with me. always loving always positive... i dont get it. i just want to sleep. and sleep. and sleep. i dont want to see family, yet i want to be around family. and since i dont give a shit, i dont make the effort. my steady diet of cold medicine and soda is doing something awful to my stomach...and i dont care. my cousins lost their mom. my mom lost her sister. my grandma lost her daughter. they all seem to be coping. i lost my aunt and the world has lost all meaning. why? WHY THE FUCK? and why did she have to die before we could have just one more of those awesome talks. why did it have to be after she pissed me off and i made sure she knew it? all the women in the family will tell me, don't worry, she knows... NO SHE DOESN'T! SHES GONE AND THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS GHOSTS OR SPIRITS OR ANYTHING! there is only death. and apparently a family history of insanity. we all talk to OURSELVES. my mom went on yesterday about seeing Mary at the foot of the bed when she was cleaning. bullshit. shes nuts. my dogs hate me.. they are little troopers.. sleeping with me all the time, but i know they feel my crushing depression and anger, and it cant be comfortable for them. fuck this, i thought it would help.. but its not... fuck it

does school start soon?? Goddess save us all, if these kids don't get a life soon, i may have to run away... with a stick and bandanna bundle and everything... the oldest one has no concept of hygiene or consideration for anyone but herself. the middle one... well, shes actually pretty self sufficient.. and then the youngest is trying for a record in non-movement.. middle kid excluded, none of them do a god damn thing to make living in a family unit easier.. the oldest sleeps all day, stinks up the house and eats... Just five minutes ago, i went into the kitchen to start dinner and she was there eating.. so i said, "i guess you won't be eating dinner..." she told me what she was eating was lunch... AT 415!!! i have no doubt that her dishes will be waiting for me when its time to start cooking... not to mention her attitude.. Man i wish she would have moved out two weeks ago when she was supposed to.. i hate being right.. maybe i jinxed it.. that's it, it was my fault.. ill keep my mouth shut from now on!! And the boy.. holy shit... i think hes allergic to outside.. on top of that, the oldest had adopted him lie some sort of mascot/slave.. and he is picking up her shitty attitude.. so, again i ask...WHEN DOES SCHOOL START??? yup... this was  ALL THE VENTING!!! and that is what blogs are for..

i had some thoughts last Thursday while cleaning house for my aunt.. It has been brought to my attention by more than one family member, that i am seen as dumb... not smart... stupid... an idiot....etc. i'm not sure why i am viewed this way by a bunch of right wing hicks. i love my family, but my brains came from dads side, no question. i can only assume that because i prefer not to join in the inane chatter that goes on at gatherings, i am thought of as somehow mentally inferior. i don't talk to these people because their opinions are WRONG and ignorant. i would rather not argue with them because honestly, its like talking to a wall. My lifestyle is incompatible with the family. i am tolerated. but i don't wish to try any kind of intellectual discussion with any of them.  i'm pretty sure most of them are of the school of "the earth is 5000 years old and some old white guy who is also his son made the world in six days..  The point is, I'm not stupid. My IQ is way above average. but i guess since i don't walk around bragging about it, assumptions are made. "oh heather, shes just a big dumb blonde." no, i'm not.


the other thought that crossed my mind was actually really heartbreaking.. i am called 'Aunt Heather' by about 10 different kids. only one of those kids is my niece. the other ones are either second cousins or step family.. but i am happy to be aunt to all of them.  who is aunt and uncle to my kids? not my brother, not my cousins, not my step siblings... only my wife's sister... why? why doesn't it work both ways. these kids are MY kids as much as they would be if i gave birth to them. so why?

It's so damn hot... it needs to rain. I still think blogs are stupid, but here I am, blogging anyway. At this point, I don't even care who does or doesn't read this shit. I remember the reason I started this blog. I was moving out for a bit, and I figured I'd be watching a lot of movies.. I never moved out. We never exactly broke up...well maybe for like half a week. And all was well.  I didn't watch movies and then write about them like I planned. I suppose I should. It's kinda fun to pick apart someone elses hard work. Although, there are very few movies I dislike. I have this strange habit of only watching stuff that seems interesting. I'm not a critic so there is no real need to watch ALL THE THINGS. The Lady hurt her neck a few weeks ago, so there was reason for her early bedtimes.. I watched movies on the laptop with headphones so as not to disturb my Lady."Mama" was great. But really, I think Del Toro can do no wrong. that movie scared the hell outta me. "Sinister" and "The Last Exorcism II" not so much.. But they were still fun to watch.

What isn't fun is watching my mother give all her attention and resources to her step family. Oh how she loves to brag and brag about having 10 grandchildren.  She has one by blood. three by me, and six by her husbands kids. now, it is true that she should treat them all the same, and it would be slightly understandable if she favored my brothers kid.. however... her stepsons oldest daughter is a sociopath rape victim in an institution. and she accuses everyone of molesting her. including her father. well everyone except the man who actually raped her.. He's still living it up as the boyfriend of her mother. probably waiting for the other three to age up a little.. and what is the mom doing? letting it all happen, of course... leaving him would seriously affect the flow of her drugs and boning.. My mother has decided this is the kid that gets all the attention.. not that that changes things for my kids.. before it was...lets call her G3... it was G9andG10.. my kids have never been a priority. i suspect moms husband has some sort of problem with me, or my wife, or the fact that i have a wife rather than a husband... maybe its because my kids aren't his blood, maybe its because they're white. maybe its because the grass is green and the sky is blue. who the fuck knows. if it was just M. that had a problem, i could deal with that.. who the fuck cares what that mooching bastard thinks. his money is his money, and my mothers money is his money and that's the way it has always been.. dude hasn't had a job in 10 yrs.. wont put my mothers name on the house they have shared for the last 15 yrs and expects her to pay for ALL THE THINGS. upkeep, remodels, insurance... everything. fine, then he can keep the house clean like a good little housewife... nope my mom works a 50-60 hr week AND takes care of the house and him.. and now there is this fucking knee surgery.. that lazy fuck is milking it for all its worth. if he wold have been moving it and strengthening it, by now he would have been feeling great. My uncle had both his knees replaced (M. just had on knee scoped) and he was up within a week.. same doctor, same pain management, not the same mindset. When i was over at moms to help out a bit, there was a point when mom kicked us out of the living room so M. could piss in a jar... that asshat has crutches. he could have gone to the toilet like a big boy, but since he knows my mother the enabler will bow to his every whim...hes gonna piss in a jar and shes gonna hold his tiny pee pee while he does it.

     Today i was under the impression that my mother and i were going to meet up at my grammas house for a bit.. have some quality time.. but nope, she has my stepsister and her kids with her.. this little thing... this is the proverbial straw.. i think I'm pretty much done. my stepsister has usurped my mother, and that's fine.. i also have a step mother... ad frankly over the last few t=years she has been more of a mother than my mom. so.. that's how that is gonna be.

my kids stopped asking to stay with gramma C. and pops long ago... they got tired of hearing "not this time" only to find out that the "other" grandkids were there all weekend.. i don't blame them at all.  They have my dad and step mom... they are wonderful grandparents... too bad they live 400 fucking miles away...

Really need to watch the rest of that movie!

We keep saying that's what we're going to do.. But Adult Swim is like a magnet, or crack. We have so many movies that we've bought and not watched! I don't know what it is anymore, that I can't just sit and watch a movie. I love movies. I just don't want to watch them lately. The other day my lady was going to send me to see Prometheus ( she doesn't want to see it) but I changed my mind. I really want to see that movie. And so many others! Like all the ones we own but have not watched.
I saw my brother today. Nothing much was said, and that suits me just fine. I don't really care at this point if we get along or not. And frankly, until he gets a divorce, I'm pretty much done. That particular package deal is not something I am going to deal with any longer. When Sammy is eighteen, she can look her aunt Heather up if she wants.
Time to find something constructive to do.

WTF

So now this stupid bullshit with my brother and mom has me in a funk that is completely Unjustified. I know what come next. I won't handle it well and I'll bring everyone down with me.. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk. And that's the problem... If I talk about it I'll feel better, in theory... But in my mind I'll just feel worse. But I have to get things done and I have to pretend to get on with life.. All I want is to sit here on this couch and pretend I'm watching and enjoying the today show.. Wishing I was still asleep

We still haven't watched the rest of Sherlock Holmes..last night I played Dead Space 2 and beat the game. Then I stated over. The third one comes out next winter... Can't wait.

*sigh

I thought things with jimmy we're getting back to good.. Yeah, it was only on Thursdays and never while Kristina was around, but last Wednesday proved to me that I was so fucking wrong. He doesn't give a shit, and that's ok.. But the cruelty that spewed from his face hole was just too much. And that cunt of a wife of his... Fuck her. My kids are not misfits. My kids are not emo. And my kids had as much right to be in that stupid fucking picture as any of the other little shits that were there. And thank you jimmy... Thank you for reminding me that I am such a fool, and so stupid... I so need to be put in my place. Fuck you. I live in a house. My kids do well in school and are not on drugs or are they alcoholics. They don't ditch and it's rare that they open a fresh mouth to us or any other adult. We aren't suffocating under a mountain of debt and we don't spend 80 percent of our pay on fucking weed. I don't hold on to stale stupid grudges and therefore I have a great relationship with our father, while you live under the delusion he will just keep trying and kissing your ass as long as you dangle your daughter in front of him. But by all means...keep assuming dad will keep taking your abuse. Oh and do keep taking advantage of their generosity.. Thats super classy and I'm sure the money train will just keep on...
Thank you mom, for standing up for me while your son told me what a fool I was and and how my kids didn't belong there. It's good to know where I stand. And thank you for proving, once again, that while the other "grand kids" can come and go as their parents please, my kids aren't even welcome when they offer to help with said other kids. I keep hoping it will change, but I think I'm done hoping and frankly my kids are getting too old to care about it anymore.
It's hard to think about the fact that the people who love and accept this family for what and who we are live so far away. But that's the way it is, and now my eyes are fully open to it.

I watched half of the second Sherlock Holmes movie the other night, so I'll withhold my opinions until I watch the whole thing.

i'm back...

it's been over a year since i last looked at this blog... or posted in this blog.. but recent developements in my life dictate that i must start using it again... it either this or mass murder, and i would prefer to stay out of jail. so i will blog, because facebook people get so offended so easily, and here, if a random stranger reads my rantings...well who cares.. its a random stranger. if it offends..stop fucking reading!
  i never did move out, or even go to Denver for some time apart. we are better than ever despite a slight hiccup with a troll. but said troll is back under her bridge and she can no longer hurt us or our happiness.. i will still occasionally talk about movies, but this will mostly be me trying to detoxify my head.. toodles for now, beautiful humans

at least with the blogs i can gain some insight to what the hell im doing wrong, even if i dont know how to fix any of it.  i was told "leave me alone" today... and i have said the same thing in the past, but i never thought it hurt so much... i wont be saying that anymore...  i dont know how to convince the most important person in my life that they are, in fact, the most important person in my life.  there are no feelings that i have not admitted to.. there is no vast quantity of caring for the other one that needs to be worried about... but no matter how i put it or how many times i say it, i am not listened to and/or believed.  there is something wrong with my head today and yes i have all the support i need. i couldn't ask for better. but there is something in the way i am that just doesn't allow for the expression of anything but happiness without it being taken personally... something ill have to work on because just saying "its not directed at you" doesn't work. i guess taking someone at their word is just not possible for some.  ill have to learn to swallow the "bile" and "venom" and just get my thoughts out some other way.  didn't mean to infer that fire time can only happen with the other one present.  but that one was on me... bad timing and loss of words.  not an excuse.   so really, maybe it should be fMl... cuz i just cant seem to get it right

this is unclear to me....

yours and mine

yours... green, outlined in orange....
mine.... orange, outlined in green....

???

Tuesday evening blues....

 its cold in here... an endless night of alone-ness stretches out before me and the dog is whining at me for some unholy reason.  I know i forgot to take my meds today. i can feel it.  i can feel worry and panic trying to sneak in.  i hate being by myself on nights like this. at least now i know the morning will be bright and full of love. its just these elastic hours that will stretch on until 8am that kill me.  that leaves a little under 12 hours now... ouch..  but i am doing laundry so for blocks of about 15 minutes every few hours at least I'll be busy.  tomorrow is a parent teacher conference... but i dont remember for who... I'll just have to check my handy dandy Google calender.. and i will as soon as im done here.  tomorrow is also therapy. i hate therapy. there is nothing good about that shit. i always leave feeling tired and worse than when i went in. i know it will get better and i know its good for me, but so is apples and i dont much like them either. tomorrow is also a night that i will not be spending alone... and that makes everything better.

really... words have failed me...

that is all....

oh blog... you are the one who listens!!!

i have been going since 630 this morning... i have about 10 minutes b4 i have to leave to wait for the boy who may, or may not b on the bus... i have changed the sheets and washed the down comforter... cleaned and vacuumed the room, upstairs hall, stairs, hall and living room... i cleaned the fuck out of the kitchen... i started dinner sort of... it just has to be cooked..  some more laundry is going.. i moved all the books for the big project into the garage... dusted... de-cluttered...and generally made the living room presentable...  cleaned the bathroom, and Ive done dishes twice...i took a shower...  there is still lots to do with dinner and cleanup... and another concert to go to... I'm tired... bitch bitch bitch.... whine whine whine...  yup... that's what blogs are for....  oh, i almost forgot... i also cleaned the courtyard.. and there was an incident with the dryer and a pink felt pen... hopefully the marks will come out of the clothes eventually... as for the dryer... i went after it with some bleach and a sponge... i checked pockets but i guess this one got passed me... DAMN!!!

Awesomest Woman I Know...

She loves me for who i am, and lets me love her for who she is, was and is trying to become... she gives me the honor of accompanying her on her journey... she is all that is amazing in a human... and she is all that is worth fighting for...  she makes the sun shine brighter and the moon more mysterious... all the stars wink just to see her smile... she made the most amazing kids and she lets me love them too... they are forever in my heart... as she is...  she is my wife and i will never lose her again....


now do you really think I'm gonna ruin this one with a bunch of movie speak???

reach out and touch faith..

if you cant think of a title, just write what you hear... and if you don't have anything to "blog" about ...fucking fake it!!  so that's what I'm doing... I'm in the middle of my chores for the day but i sat down to plug in my ipod and i sat here... in front of the computer... where my blog is... and now I'm writing...or typing if you prefer... nothing is on my mind... and nothing needs bitching about...




i used to not censor myself or my thoughts... it didn't matter how obscene or just plain wrong it was... if i thought it i thought it... and if i talked about it ...well i talked about it... i would like to be that person again... i want to be me all the way... well, with certain limits on vocabulary around the kids...heh heh.. not unlike a certain someone, i feel i have lost pieces of me along the road... however, it was me who lost them.. not anyone else... like maybe i would be happier if i were more chipper.. or maybe people would like me more if i acted more "blond" well i don't feel that way anymore.. people (the ones that count) like me for who and what i am... sick bastard or no.. I'll get there again.. it'll be simple to let my sense of humor wander back over to the dark side where it belongs... it never really left.. i just put a muzzle on it i think.. i like laughing at robot chicken and not just looking at it in disgust.. i like metelocalypse with all the blood and guts... and i love horror movies, books, whatever.. i love gore.. i love the escape.. and its ok that not everyone prefers it.. i may be weird but I'm super smart and people like me anyway... some even dare to love me... short one today...

Who woulda thunk...

Ok, so there was an issue tonight with a certain asshole texting a certain MY GRRRL... And whatever.. This douche is well known for drunk dialing and texting.. But she thought it best to lie about it.. And that brought up the fact that she still doesn't think she can talk to me about anything.. Mostly because of how I might "handle" whatever it may be... That got me thinking.... I guess it's not just me who has to learn to trust again.. I do trust her... But now she has to trust in that.. And she'll have to trust that she CAN tell me anything and she CAN talk to me about anything anytime.. That's what this "us" work is all about.. I know I can talk to her about everything.. Even the shit she doesn't want to discuss. And she knows she can just say she doesn't want to talk about it... And ohh has she... But the point of this is simply that here I am thinking I was the only one that was going to need to learn to trust again.. The truth is she has spent mos of the relationship afraid to talk to me about most things and now she must learn to trust as well. Geeze I'm a dumbass sometimes... I thought this part of the journey was going to be the lonely part.. But she's right there with me... And I will do whatever I have to do for her to trust that she can talk to me again! She is my best friend and my heart and my lover and the one person I want to spend all of my days with.. It's only fair she be able to talk to me about whatever and not fear my reaction or judgement.

Right now I am watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.. Everyone is so young in this one.. And this movie is the one that is closest to the book... I'm sure it has something to do with how the book is pretty short compared to the others.. I love all the movies just for he sake of loving movies... Who cares that they don't follow the books verbatim...

stoopid brain...

i know now why people drink... that path is looking better everyday.  if i could just figure out how to avoid all the peeing and the hangovers i could TOTALLY drink my cares away... i can's seem to let go of a few things and they are taking over more and more of my thoughts.. i haven't hated anyone in ages.. i don't like to hate... but i do... i hate..  i don't even 'hate' my grrrls mother... that's more of a strong dislike and pity... i feel myself wanting to shut down and hide in my head like i do... but i cant do that anymore.. it wold not be conducive to what i want with my family and my baby... but this is getting ridiculous.. and obsessive..  how could the hated person do this to me... i was never anything but there for them.. when there was whining about the bromance that fell apart...i was there..  when there was whining about the couple he was having a threesome with who wanted him to move to Vegas with them...{however that may have been one of his many LIES... he is a fabulous LIAR} who did he cry to and who listened to every sordid detail... I listened to this asshole bitch and moan about how his "dad" has this hold over him but yet he never did a thing to change it.. i risked my own relationship trying to be there for him and that doesn't even include the mistake[s] i eventually made... and all the while, if i needed him to be there for me it never happened.. all he wanted to talk about was my wife.. or more of his issues... or how it was an issue that my wife was out of bounds... 20 fucking years... and then boom... he got EXACTLY what he wanted.  and I'm left to pick up the pieces of my relationship and try to get over the loss of a 'friend'... but how much of a friend was he... i don't know anymore... all i know is the pain runs deeper than i thought pain could go... the two people i thought i could trust.... not so much..
   Things are getting back to good with my grrrl in leaps and bounds.. lets not leave that out.. and she is being patient with my issues.. well, she better be as i have been privy to some stellar breakdowns recently...lol  things with her are on the mend or already mended... and i love her and trust her more than she thinks.. and we are in a bubble unlike any bubble that has been... this shit is made of Kevlar, yo! if i could just let go... let go of all the hurt and questions and doubts and just...let...go...  that is my new goal...


So... In "Gremlins".... you can't feed them after midnight... well, its always midnight somewhere... and every minute of the day after 12:00am is "after midnight" so when the hell are you allowed to feed them again? WTF...

In "Avatar"..... Michelle Rodriguez's character refuses to attack that time... but then she doesn't get in trouble later.. she is able to go around the base and rescue Sully and apparently has time to paint up her chopper and junk for the big fight later... i don't know much about the military but i would assume she would be in big trouble....?

How did Andy Dufresne re-stick the poster back to his wall from inside the hole???


that's enough for today... the neighbors are driving me fucking crazy with their la cucaracha music blaring...

psst.... i love you

Monday Morning

its 7am on Monday October 4th... i have slept a grand total of 45 minutes... i woke up to a text that scared the shit out of me bcz i was sure it meant i slept in and failed to pick up and drop off all the people I'm supposed to... but, thankfully my alarm hadn't even gone off yet... i wish i knew what was wrong with me... every muscle in my body hurts all the damn time... but no one wants to hear about that shit.. there are too many things to get done and to many things to get clean... Projects and plans and rearrangements.. the fact that it feels like there is a knife jammed in my right shoulder where it meets my neck is just in the damn way... it'll get better, or I'll learn to ignore it.  "You" did have a meltdown this weekend.. and I'm glad you recognize it. Although i think it has more to do with your mother than you do... looking back, this always happens when she throws a fit... However that does not make your issues any less valid. Add on the admission that this new job is making you nervous and 'viola we have an answer... this is your normal M.O... and i am ok with it.. except when i try to explain this to you and i get shot down and you feel like i am making excuses and insulting you.  its all part of this work we both signed on to do for this whole "us" thing..and i am happy to do it.. i'll do my best with the schedule thing... but you are right when you say we have different styles and standards... and its true that you are MUCH better at spotting minutiae on the carpet than i... or empty pie plates that are clear and damn near invisible to one who just isn't paying attention.  so tell a grrrl won't ya? And by the way... its gonna take you two whole nano-seconds to become the shining star at the Bradbury... i love you...

movie...movie...movie.....
oh, so i started to watch "it might get loud" this morning and just when i was really getting into it the stupid preview for the channels ended... poo!  we watched Iron Man 2 this weekend, and i gotta say... not my favorite movie... i didn't even really like it when we saw it in the theater... But my baby loves it and that is enough for it to be enjoyable to me.. plus Robert Downey Jr., well i could watch him fold socks and be entertained... yummiest ex-junkie ever....LOL time to take the boy to the bus stop...

i'm tired..

its 2:12am.. im tired, and i don't want to write anything... yet here i am...writing shit.. really, what is the point of a blog... or twitter... or facebook for that matter... what happened to people talking to each other face to face? or at least on the phone...without texting... i write shit on here and anybody who wants to can read it and then comment about how it is or isn't great...   its like a diary for the masses... whatever...

something just broke outside because of the wind... i must investigate...   shit... it was a lantern that Misty made...  the whole planter it was on just fell over.. and i dont want to clean it up in the dark... knowing me i'll cut an artery...

i dont even want to talk about a movie... i watched Blood into Wine the other day... it was good... but i probably wouldn't have enjoyed it if Maynard wasn't part of it...  stupid Tim and Eric pretty much ruined the whole thing...

Just Friends was on TV earlier tonight... I love that movie.. i dont know why.. its kind of dumb.. but is cute and funny too.  it makes me smile.


im done